Tips for Talking to Your Children When Facing a Challenge in Your Relationship

Children always have a way of sensing when there is tension at home. They are very intuitive and can pick up on subtle changes between their parents. If you have found that you and your partner are facing a significant and ongoing challenge in your relationship, the time may come when you need to let your children know. Here are a few tips to keep in mind when letting your children know that you and your partner are having difficulties. 

Keep it simple and age-appropriate

How and what you share with your children should be based on their age and level of comprehension, and be mindful of the details you share. Acknowledge and normalize relationship challenges, and let them know what you are doing to improve the situation. For example, a parent may say, “I know you’ve noticed Mom and I yelling a lot lately, and we want to let you know that we are working to solve the issues with our therapist. Sometimes moms and dads also go through tough times, but we both love you. Our number one job is to take care of you.” This can clear up any confusing thoughts or feelings your child may be experiencing but only provides the essential information. The statement should always be child-focused and help them feel loved and secure.

Keep your emotions in check

If there has been a significant breach in the relationship, such as an affair, it may be hard for parents to hide anger, sadness, resentment, or guilt. But when speaking with children, it is important to be in control of these emotions. That’s not to say never let you children see you expressing emotions, but remember that you are always modeling for your children, so if you are angry and screaming, your child will also scream and yell when angry. Think about using I feel statements such as, “I feel sad that Mom and I are fighting. How does that make you feel?” Bringing it back to your child and their experience gives them the opportunity to talk about it and work through their feelings with your support.

Be thoughtful

It is essential that you do not blame, criticize, or speak negatively about your partner to your children. If you do, it could potentially backfire and alienate your child from you. No matter what, your partner is still their parent.

Be honest

Don’t make promises that you can’t keep. It is important to be honest and concrete with your children when having these types of conversations. Often parents want to minimize any pain their child feels so they make promises that may or may not happen. For example, if you are unsure if the challenge you are facing is going to lead to separation or divorce, do not promise your children that you are going to stay together. It’s ok to say, “We are living together today, and we both love you very much.”

Maintain normalcy

Try to provide as much structure, consistency, and normalcy as possible for both you and your children.

It’s not their fault: Remind your children that they are not responsible for what is occurring in your relationship. They may need some reassurance that they didn’t do anything to cause you to argue. Remind them that you love them and that you will continue to keep them safe and secure. They also need to know that it is not their job to take care of you. Knowing that you have a therapist or a trusted friend or family member may help them feel less burdened.

Spend quality time together

Think about spending individual time with your children and partner if it can be amicable.

Keep the lines of communication open

Invite your child to come to you with any questions or concerns, and be prepared to answer those questions. It is important that the answers are truthful and consistent, and only answer the question that they ask without offering further details. Always bring it back to your children and remind them they are loved and cared for.

A therapist can be very helpful in navigating difficulties in relationships. If you, your partner, or your family need support, reach out and make an appointment today.